80F at 730am is a bad sign for the day’s heat.
My father died yesterday. We were able to spend time together last week while I was in Chicago with family. Thought he’d beat this one too, like he has so many others. He’d have preferred it this way vs. a lot of other possibilities.
In any case, I’ll be traveling to Chicago to help my mom and siblings settle things, so posts will be short, and comments are likely to be fewer. Or I may unload here every day. I have no idea what to expect. So far it’s been a mix of practical thoughts and being overwhelmed that I’ve lost my daddy, almost like there are two people in my head.
If the day’s open post doesn’t launch by 9am CT, someone else please open the door and start the coffee machine…
n
Condolences for your loss.
My condolences Mr. Nick. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help. I pray he didn’t suffer.
Sorry for your loss Mr. Nick. Unfortunately death is part of life, the final part. Celebrate your father’s life, his accomplishments, his family. If a man can leave a good legacy he has done OK.
Don’t make rushed decisions on funeral arrangements. Negotiate the prices. Be ruthless. The funeral homes don’t expect that behavior and use the grieving as a way to make a lot of money. Did this for my mother’s funeral and saved thousands of dollars.
Case in point. The funeral home wanted to charge us $1,500.00 for hearse to transport my mother’s body to the church where the funeral was to be held and then transport back to the burial site. My brothers and I balked at the price. Told the funeral home we would rent a truck at Home Depot and transport my mother ourselves. Funeral home said that was against the law, we said there was no such law. Funeral home relented and transported for no cost. The funeral home owned the cemetery and was being paid a lot for the site and the opening and closing of the grave site. We felt the hearse should be included in those costs.
Same negotiations with the casket. Wanted $3,500 for a simple casket (what my mother wanted). My younger brother stated he had a friend in Sacramento that could get that same casket for $1,700 and would have it delivered tomorrow. Funeral home offered us the same price of $1,700.
So don’t rush the decisions, negotiate the cost, get deductions for items you don’t want or need. But most of all remember your father for the goods, smile, support other family members.
Damn, Nick, I’m sorry to hear that. My condolences. Take the time you need, and don’t worry about us.
My condolences.
Not the best time to mention this, but I didn’t want to forget — I finally got an address out of [vendor who shall not be named] to return the T440 to them. Hopefully, by doing the right thing, I will get my account restored so I can access my order history in case of warranty claims.
This reminds me, whenever I am given this lie, my response is: “What is the number of that law, every law has a number.”
Allow me to pass along this link regarding The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss:
There is more at the link above.
Hope and Peace to all.
When my aunt died there were no stages of grief by anyone. Everyone was happy she died. Myself because there was no love but a sense of responsibility and she was no longer just existing. The rest of the family hated her with a passion, including her sister (my mother). No one liked my aunt and uncle. Only reason people showed up at his funeral was to try and get some of the money. When my aunt died there was no money. Thus no one would show up so no funeral or memorial.
Only reason people showed up at his funeral was to try and get some of the money.
Sadly, I’ve seen that situation repeatedly, both in our respective families and our social circle. As I’ve pointed out before, Allison Janey in “I, Tonya” is like a composite portrait of all the pre-Boomer mothers who raised my generation.
Every mother I grew up around had that bird on their shoulder, sometimes literally.
We are done with the funeral fraud in this family. My wife (now deceased) and I have arranged (paid) for our non-ceremonial cremations (Neptune Society). Then, for my wife, we had remembrance gatherings at the homes of relatives and close friends.
I do not believe in hiring a clergyman, who had never met her, to tell family and close friends how wonderful she was.
Nick, my condolences on the loss of your father.
We are done with the funeral fraud in this family. My wife (now deceased) and I have arranged (paid) for our non-ceremonial cremations (Neptune Society). Then, for my wife, we had remembrance gatherings at the homes of relatives and close friends.
Probate is one of several areas of Texas law strangeness which I learned about from my father-in-law’s passing. Apparently, in TX, the person who pays for the funerary services receives the title of “informant” which grants them special privileges, including the right to certified copies of the death certificate.
My wife thought my father-in-law’s girlfriend was just being nice when she wrote the check for the cremation. A certified death certificate grants the holder a lot of power to create mischief if they are so inclined … and *wow* was she inclined.
Thank you everyone for your condolences. It means a lot to me and the family.
My mom doesn’t want a memorial or any other service at this time. Dad will be cremated and returned to us later in the week. At some point, the close family will scatter ashes, probably in several illegal spots.
That will simplify stuff at home. There is still a lot of stuff to do in Chicago. Dad was a ‘hider’ and we need to un-hide a lot of stuff. My sibs and I all know some of the spots. Dad told me last week that even he didn’t know all the spots, and gave me some general guidance on where to look. So there is that. Then we have to see what mom wants to do with his extensive workshop and piles of “good stuff”. The house needs some more work done too, and a deep clean.
Having mom as survivor simplifies a lot of the issues, but I’m sure stuff will crop up. I have no idea how to get the truck re-titled to me, and I’m thinking I’ll just get a bill of sale from mom and file the title in TX.
I’ll be buying a couple of long plastic cases and driving back here in the truck with them as well.
n
Nick, sorry about your Dad.
My father died when I was young. The world was not a poorer place for his leaving it.
My stepfather is doing ok, sorta, for a man in his 70s who never paid any attention to health issues until he was 40. He might last another ten years or might keel over tonight. Either way I’ll be sad when it happens.
Sorry for your loss Nick. I lost my dad earlier this year – it can be very difficult.
My aunt’s ashes are scattered close to the boat ramp at Beckett Point in Port Townsend WA. Rick H probably knows where that is located. Supposed to be three miles offshore.
My father’s ashes are scattered on the shore of Lake Mead. Considered renting a plane with my brothers and scattering the ashes over the lake. Reconsidered when it was mentioned that someone may see us, get the plane number, as we were dropping a dust out of the plane onto a major water supply.
Also consider checking the unclaimed property for any states in which your parents have lived. All the states have websites that make it easy to search by name. I found a couple of small amounts for my aunt and uncle. Also searched for my MIL and found an item. Searched for my brothers and found a couple of items. You may want to consider searching on your own name.
That will be the difficult part, throwing away, or selling cheaply, the entire contents of someone’s life. Did my aunt’s place while she was still alive. It was amazing what she had accumulated. When we did my mother’s place we found she had kept every letter myself or my brothers had ever written.
Just have your mother sign her name to the title giving the truck to you. Then title in your home state. If your father is the only name on the title just forge his name. The DMV will not know and it is really only an issue if someone contests the title. I signed the title to my mother’s car over to my brother. No problems getting the title redone in his name. DMV does not check death records.
Thanks Ray.
n
I moved some long cases from CA to the midwest in my Uncle’s ancient mini-van when he’d passed. Buried ’em under flattened cardboard boxes and innocuous household items. Had the mini-van serviced while I was caretaking before he died and made a wanderjahr of the journey as it had been only flyover country to me. No troubles.
Yes, as with my wife of 52 years, I really doubt that her ashes were legally dispensed with. Consequently, I will not say where that is. However, we go there twice a year, out in the CA desert, and visit.
My condolences to you, Nick. Best of luck with your trip. I hope your family can work together peacefully.
If my sister can control her urge to throw stuff out, we’ll be ok. FFS, there is no need to be throwing anything out the second day, esp. when he’s known for hiding important stuff, like cash, in paper.
n
Unfortunately, I have become well acquainted with grief lately. As I said, my dad passed earlier this year. My mom passed 1.5 years ago. One of my 2 brothers, who is 2 years younger than I am, entered assisted living for early onset dementia a few months ago. This is a guy with a Ph.D. in microbiology from Columbia, a JD from Tulane and a very successful patent law practice in Houston. Within the last year he has degenerated to the point that he needs assisted living and could not even attend our father’s service. He turns 57 tomorrow.
I don’t have any good advice. I expect it is a different experience for everyone. Things that have helped me are: Give yourself some time to grieve. Don’t be surprised if it is hard (I know that is not helpful advice but it sure has been true for me). One thing that has helped me is talking with my step mom. She was married to my dad for the last 40 years and she is someone who I can talk with about my sense of loss, sadness, etc. Of course, my wife helps also but she is not as directly connected with my dad. Other than that – I wish I had a good answer or advice but I don’t…
Jerry P. sometimes said: “it’s a great life if you don’t weaken”. Tommy Bolin (most awesome guitar virtuoso/songster) mentioned that in a lyric back in the 70’s. It is true, but sometimes it is OK to weaken for a bit (if your powder is dry).
Peace be with you and yours.
@Bill F, thank you, and to you and yours. That is a heavy burden.
This combines all the stress of travel, being away from my kids, being with family, AND losing my dad. It also means my business is shut down while I’m gone too. Followed by a cross country road trip to top it off.
And I still need to pack…
n
Hang in there buddy. But try to take some “Nick” time. I know that sounds all touchy feely but it can help in times like this.
And as I look for distraction, I see that Sweden may be feeling the joys of diversity:
Sweden Is Burning: Migrant Gangs Unleash Coordinated Fire-Bomb Rampage Across Multiple Cities
No doubt.
Payment will come due – more to come unfortunately.
Sweden Is Burning: Migrant Gangs Unleash Coordinated Fire-Bomb Rampage Across Multiple Cities
And in as-yet-unearthed burial mounds, Swedish Vikings are spinning in their graves.
_Home Invasion (The Survivalist) (Volume 8)_ by A. American
https://www.amazon.com/Home-Invasion-Survivalist-8-American/dp/0996696032/?tag=ttgnet-20
Book number eight of a ten book post apocalyptic series. I read the well printed and mostly well bound POD (print on demand) trade paperback. One page came out of the binding when I read the book and flexed the binding. This is the first failure of a POD book binding for me and I have read dozens of these. I have placed the next book in the series in my Big River cart.
This series started with a a very high altitude EMP over the central USA, quite possibly self inflicted as the first stage in a civil war. The EMP destroyed all electrical systems, especially computers and car computers (I disagree with this). Things got worse.
It has been a year now, 70% of the USA citizens are dead due to starvation, exposure, drug dependency, etc, etc, etc. Our protagonist is now the sheriff of his central Florida county since nobody else would do the job. The last five or six sheriffs died of lead poisoning, etc.
The people outside the USA are starting to pick over the remains of the USA. The Russians and Cubans are slowly invading Florida. The Chinese have taken Hawaii and have a fleet off the west coast of the USA. The remnants of the USA military used nuclear weapons to stop the west coast invasion. The Chinese responded in kind. Now it is ok to use nuclear weapons.
No matter what, stay out of FEMA camps !
My rating: 4 out of 5 stars
Amazon rating: 4.6 out of 5 stars (637 reviews)
If your brother ever served in the military go to the nearest VA office and apply for benefits. The VA will provide around $1K each month to help pay for the facility.
Another not so pleasant item is that your brother may become very angry at the family and react accordingly. Nasty letters, nasty comments, almost frothing at the mouth anger towards people that were formerly friends and family.
Difficult to do but ignore the wrath. They are no longer the person you remember as their brain, their personality, their soul, has been ripped apart by the disease. There will be good days, there will be horrible days. There will be significant drops in the individuals memory abilities, almost overnight, with the resulting confusion.
What helps is a photo album of times past. Gather pictures, put them in an album, and every couple of days go over the pictures with the person. It has a calming effect and brings back old memories. Recent memories are generally gone forever as the person you once knew regresses to their past memories.
I have been through this with my grandparents, mother and my aunt. My aunt was the most difficult as I was responsible for her care and making certain things got done. It got to the point she did not even recognize me.
Sweden Is Burning: Migrant Gangs Unleash Coordinated Fire-Bomb Rampage Across Multiple Cities
Mass genocide is coming to Europe. The veteran home team has the tools and the innate talent, but the scrappy visiting squad wants the win.
With Bob’s passing, OFD, Mr. Nick and BillF’s losses, it’s a crappy year. My best wishes for all for a brighter rest of the year.
Mass genocide is coming to Europe. The veteran home team has the tools and the innate talent, but the scrappy visiting squad wants the win.
My money is on the visiting squad. The veterans are well, veterans. Old and tired. And few of the tools work reputedly.
Good advice Ray. Yes he is getting very angry. My mothers parents both suffered badly from this. I was young but it still haunts me. Tough to see it happen to my little brother.
He is not a vet but is in what seems to be a great facility in Mexico so the costs are reasonable.
There were several humorous times due to the result of the disease.
My aunt in an apparent moment of clarity early in her assisted living time made reservations with the airlines to fly back to Seattle. She also made arrangements for a taxi from SEATAC to Port Townsend along with a tax from the assisted living facility. I found the reservations by accident. My aunt had a phone in her room as we encouraged friends to call her when possible (it didn’t help, another story) and she used that phone to make the reservations.
I called the airline to inquire about the reservation and to have it cancelled. Airline agent refused to give me any information as I was not my aunt. I told that airline that was fine with me. I told the agent my aunt had dementia and once she got on their plane she was their problem, not mine. I was not going to try and hunt her down or bring her back. The agent quickly relented and cancelled the reservation.
The taxi from the facility to the airport was easy to cancel. I asked the facility to not let her leave in any taxi in case my aunt made another reservation. I was informed that was against the law as to keep her from leaving would be considered kidnapping. Only way that could be avoided was move her into the dementia portion of the facility. So we had that done as a room was available.
We did have problems with the facility. My aunt required diapers. But apparently others were stealing her supply of diapers. We would purchase a months worth and within a week she would be out. We came down hard on the facility and told them we were deducting the cost of the stolen diapers from her bill.
There was also a lady in the facility who apparently thought she was at Walmart and would shop in other people’s closets. Clothes would disappear for weeks and then reappear. Staff told us what was happening and said it was difficult to control. We did not care much as the facility was responsible for cleaning her clothes and keeping her clothed. But when we visited we never knew what she would be wearing and there were some really awful combinations.
Once we transferred my aunt to a nursing home (required by medicaid) she went downhill fast. After a few months she no longer recognized me, only my wife. I quit going to visit because it upset my aunt. People thought I was a bad person for doing so but my reasons were sound and were the correct decision. During my aunt’s final year neither my wife or I visited as it really upset my aunt.
@BillF you will face some interesting times. Just remember that regardless of what happens that person that is angry with you is not the person you once knew. Once dementia attacks it destroys the person. Just do what is best for the person and ignore other people. Their advice, even mine, is just guessing as each situation is different.
Like you said Ray, it can be humorous at times. My brother reset his cell phone password and, of course, forgot it. So he can’t use his phone – which is a good thing lately…